Chapter 6: Daddy versus the Awkward Potty
Do you remember Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books? I used to love them as a kid. I must have read over 30 different ones from the library. I have pondered, at times, that they should publish a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book for new dads. Better yet, a whole series, with each book dealing with a different aspect of Daddyhood. One of them should include a section on going potty. Oh, no, not the child going potty; it’s the dad going, or trying to go, with kids in the house.
The scene is your bathroom, nothing special or fancy about it, just an ordinary bathroom. Your child (children, in my case) are somewhere between 12 and 18 months of age. Walking age. Mommy’s gone, and you’re at home, playing with the kid(s). Suddenly, your bladder announces its fullness. You hop up and run to the bathroom. Thus your adventure begins as you enter that room of relief.
Choice 1: Shut the door or Leave it ajar?
Since your offspring is just walking and not yet talking, you leave the door open. If they happen to walk in, you think, they won’t really know what’s going on anyways.
Choice 2: Sit or Stand?
Since you are a new dad (or in a hurry), you choose to stand. Now the fun begins.
There you are, standing, door open, relieving yourself of 2 cups of coffee. And you don’t hear them coming.
AWKWARDNESS #1: You feel a tug from behind on your pants. Someone is steadying themselves using your pant leg. “Hurry up and finish” is your only thought.
AWKWARDNESS #2: With curiosity piqued by a strange splashing noise, and not satisfied with the view, your child maneuvers around to the side of the toilet.
Choice 3: Stand still or Sway?
Again, being new, swaying isn’t even a thought, so you stand still. Hence,
AWKARDNESS #2a: Your child, in my case, a girl, is standing at the side of the potty. She begins staring intently at…it…and watching the stream of processed coffee to the water below. In your mind, you hear her inner voice say, “Oooooh, what’s that thing? And what’s it doing?” All the while, you’re freaking out because of intent little eyes watching, and because she’s gripping the edge of the toilet.
Choice 4: Stop and sit or Finish?
You are soooo close to being done, so you just decide to finish it out. Which leads to…
AWKWARDNESS #3: Your child begins to “reach out and touch someone.” THE END
Okay, that’s not an ending I want. Let’s redo Choice 4 and “Stop and sit”. (Choosing “Sit” for Choice 2 leads you here, too.)
So you sit, and watch as your child, grinning ear to ear, comes toddling towards you. No problem, you think, just relax and finish.
AWKWARDNESS #4: she puts a little, COLD hand your thigh. Yeah, suddenly I’m tense. Maybe other guys don’t have an issue with this, but I’ve never had anyone’s hand on my thigh while peeing, and it made me a bit tense. But, she’s only 18 months, no big deal. Relax. Okay, things are flowing again. She’s watching you, and decides to move between your legs.
AWKWARDNESS #4a: Tension again with a cold, little hand on each thigh. Still, you plow on, almost done, when suddenly, she makes a dive between your legs to see if she can get a hand on that thing on which you have your hand. THE END
I want to win this thing, have a happy ending and all, so let’s go back to Choice 3 and “Sway”.
As you feel your child begin to move to the right, you start to sway to the right. Your child pushes and tries to get around, but somehow, you fend her off. You feel her go back toward the middle, so you sway back, too. Then you feel her head left (you feel her because she’s using your legs to steady herself the whole time), so you head left. Pushing again, and a grumble of frustration, but you hold her off. She gives up on the left and heads middle. You smile in slight satisfaction, thinking victory is near.
AWKWARDNESS #5: You relax for just a moment, and at that very moment, you feel a head beginning to poke through from between your legs. THE END
Rats, that’s 3 losses in a row. This leaves changing Choice 1 and “Shut the door”.
You shut the door.
Choice 5: Lock the door or Leave it unlocked?
Let me cheat. Leaving it unlocked is okay, until she learns how to turn door knobs. Then, you just go down all the other paths listed above and lose. So, I pick to “Lock the door”.
Now, no one can disturb you. Peace at last! Until the knocking on the door begins. The whole time you’re in there, until you open the door again, it’s nothing but, “Daddy, what you do in dare? Why? Why? Daddy? DADDY!!!!!!” Consistent and crescendo-ing knocking. So, the best you can do in this Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book in the Daddyhood series is a partial win. Next volume, please.
Hi Deanne,
I read your info over at Restaurant Widow, we have some things in common! I just started pursuing the Nourishing Traditions philosophy/lifestyle-raw milk and all. And I do square foot gardening!
I look forward to reading through your blog and taking away new “stuff”!
Take Care,
Beth