Chapter 10: Daddy Vs. Pluto
I have 4 kids. As such, I have and will continue to experience a fair amount of toys. Kids toys. And kids toys almost always need batteries.
*Crib mobiles (2 C’s)
*Specialty nightlight that turns and casts fun figures on the walls (4 D’s)
*Baby monitors (1 9-volt in receiver, 2 AA’s in transmitter)
*Talking chair (3 C’s) *Handheld V-Smile (4 AA’s)
*Leappad 1 (4 AAA’s) *Leapad 2 (4 AA’s)
*Hippo Flashligh (2 C’s) *Walking, mooing cow (2 AA’s)
*Barbie Keyboard (4 C’s) *Pull along Pluto (2 AA’s)
*Every single piece of Little People toy with sound (2 AA’s)
And on, and on.
QUESTION: WHAT DO THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR THESE ALL HAVE IN COMMON?
ANSWER: “DO NOT USE RECHARGABLE BATTERIES!”
Yeah, I stopped believing in that warning during year three of Jane. It reached the point where if the rechargables screwed up the toy, I’d be relieved.
QUESTION: WHAT 2 IMPORTANT FEATURES ARE MISSING ON 99% OF ALL TOY’S THAT REQUIRE BATTERIES?
ANSWER: AN ON/OFF SWITCH AND A VOLUME CONTROL
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(Cue cheesy awards music) “And welcome back to the 2009 Adventures in Daddyhood Toy Awards!! Again, I’m Turd Ferguson, your co-host for tonights show. Ha, ha, we’re all glad your still joining us, and quite frankly, can’t figure out why you haven’t tuned out! With me, as always, is Barbie. Barb’s, what award is up next?”
“Well Turd, our next award is “The Toy Most Likely to have been Inspired by Satan himself“. And this years award goes to: “Jam with Elmo!!!!!!”
The scene was a trip to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Imagine if you will, a young, happy couple with 1 daughter, age 1, driving 7 hours in a car. Imagine also, the child develops explosive diaherra within the first 2 hours of the drive. Along with her destructive derrière, she has brought a toy. A toy with with no OFF switch. A toy which knows only one volume level, and that level causes the windows to vibrate and grown men to weep. A toy which screams, “JAM WITH ELMO!!!” whenever it’s touched for the next 7 hours. Too horrific to be true? Not here in the Twilight Zone.
Truth be told, it doesn’t scream “JAM WITH ELMO” everytime it’s touched because it started over again when you touched it. So it really sounded like, “JAM WITH EL, JAM, JAM WITH, JAM, J, J, J, JAM WITH, JAM, JAM WITH ELMO!” On the way back home I began to wonder if the toy was produced in the bowels of hell itself. We had a mini celebration with it’s batteries finally wore out. BE GONE THOU TOOL OF THE DEVIL!
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“….And kids love Elmo! Right, Turd?”
“That’s right, Barbie. And the next award is for the “Happiest Household Furnishing” and it goes to…………….Singing Chair!!!!!!”
So, I’ve had to change batteries several times over the years. With most toys it’s pretty straight forward: Flip the toy over, loosen the tiny philips screw, replace the batteries, and finish in reverse order. The singing chair is a fine example, except that it takes 3 batteries, an odd numer, so I always have a leftover rechargable. Couldn’t they have just made it 4?
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“Hee, hee, I love being sung to when I’m in a seated position, don’t you Turd?”
“Well….um….I’ve never thought about……..pretty weird actually. AND THE NEXT award is the “Most Like Veterinarian Surgery” and Barb, tell us who it goes to!”
“Actually, Turd, you should have said, ‘to whom it goes.’ And this years winner is: Walking, Mooing Cow!
This one is kind of unique. I feel like I need rubber gloves, a mask, and be asking for a scapel to change these batteries. Reminds me of that Operation game. I hated that game. I played it twice. Every single time I went for a bone, that game board would buzz and scare the crap out of me. EVERY time. And what’s with the fat guy with the red nose? Creepy.
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“And now Barbie, it’s time for a very special award. Isn’t that right?”
“Yes, Turd. It’s time to hand out the “Lifetime Achievement Award for Fatherly Foot Injuries“. It’s a special award given to a toy in recognition of years of service in inciting expletives and bringing tears to grown men from pain in their feet. And 2009’s Lifetime Achievement Award goes to…………………..
Mr. Potato Head!!!!
Side bar, your honor. I know it’s off the “battery” topic. Just a friendly warning to BEWARE OF MR. POTATO HEAD! Oh, sure, he’s fun and you can switch his visible appendages and all. Like these shoes.
Sure, they look harmless enough. But, then it’s 2 AM. A twin is crying and you go up. The girls picked up every toy earlier, but somehow missed these shoes. Your foot makes contact with them, and now you want to julienne Mr. Potato Head and fry him up for lunch tomorrow. Why? Let’s take another look at those shoes.
Yes, it is a soft plastic, but it still hurts like the dickens. And almost every Mr. Potato Head piece has that epidermis piercing prong.
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“We’re down to our final award here on tonights show. Turd, tell us what it is and who our final recipient is!”
“Thanks Barbie. And as always, it’s been a real thrill to work with you again. Tell Ken I said, ‘Hello.’ Tonights final award is the coveted “Most Like a Prostate Exam” award. And this years final winner is: Pull-Along Pluto!
This past week, it was requested of me (repeatedly) to change the batteries in Pluto here. No problem. But then I find out where the batteries go.
I mean, isn’t there anywhere else the batteries could have gone. Anywhere? The chest, maybe? Please? And yes, for effects, I did snap on the gloves and told poor Pluto to “just relax” and “it’ll be over shortly”.
Just kidding, Dear, I didn’t really do that. My best ideas always seem to come too late. Oh, well. Until next years awards, this is Daddy signing off. Goodnight everybody, and be sure to tip your waitress!!!
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This video is from Springs visit to the Magic Kingdom. Jane needed a haircut and was, as always, repeat, always, nervous about it. So, we hoped maybe the barbershop in the Magic Kingdom would make her less nervous. It is the Happiest Place on Earth, after all. Liz went first, to help with the convincing. Towards the end of Jane’s cut, the Barbershop Quartet came in and sang us a tune. Very cool. Notice towards the end of the song when one singer spooks Jane and she won’t look at him aftewards! Classic!
Are you seriously not supposed to use rechargables in the Leapsters???? Or was that just the Leap Pad???? Umm . . . oooops and oh well! Hilarious post.