The below post was a tag, six random facts about me. In doing the random facts, I had a hard time leaving this one out, but it quickly was becoming a post of it’s own. Adoption is something so close to my heart that I tend to be a bit extreme. There are few other things that have that dear of a spot within me (my family (which escalates the adoption issue), Christ, and adoption…that’s about it.
I cringe when people tell the twins how lucky they are to have been adopted or even worse ask how many children I “have of my own”. I am a mother of four girls, not a mother of two girls with adopted twins. I have four girls of my own, thank you very much, and I am the lucky one, not the twins. The twins lost so much in being adopted; their first mother, culture, roots, and history. They, in turn, will adopt us as family, along with our culture, roots, and history. I’m not sure how “lucky” that is. I know we are the lucky ones, that a country would hand over their children to us to raise. That we have the opportunity to love them and call them our own. We try are trying to keep items from their birth country around and available to them. We attend events with other adoptees as well as events that are Asian in nature. We try very hard to keep what we can of their culture alive for them and know as they get older this will be even more of a priority as they are interested. It’s work at times, but it is worth it. We also keep in contact with their orphanage in case their first mother wants photos or updates on them.
Most people’s comments are innocent so I try not to get upset. Many people do not think when they say such things how it could hurt a child struggling with identity. I know when the twins are six or seven it may sting a little to be told your lucky to have the parent’s you do or be separated as not being your parent’s “own” child. Even unintentional words can hurt.
I have a plan, though, for how to handle it. First and foremost, I do not get upset or try to educate people, again, it is usually an innocent comment. I usually thank them for noticing my family and let them know that I have four girls of my own, that I am the lucky one for having been able to adopt the twins. I try to keep positive about it as I know my girls will be watching. The older two have already asked why people think the twins aren’t ours, laughing at the absurdity of it. Only once have I been pushed to “educate” someone. This person was telling all about their plan to one day adopt, but they wanted children of their own first as they knew it would be different. I told them that yes it was different one was a trip to the hospital for a couple days, the other was a month long trip to the other side of the Earth. This person chuckled and said how obvious that was, but that they wanted to experience their own children first. It just went downhill from there, they really were intentionally driving the idea that their “own children” would have different status. I finally got so upset that I told them that 100% of my girls were my girls regardless of how they came to our home. That I didn’t love one set more than the other, one girl more than the other. That though the twins may never look like us, they still do that funny thing with their eyebrow that their daddy does, and have the sassy walk of one of their older sisters. Then I crossed the line and told them that people like them should seriously re-think adoption seeing as they likely will never see their adoptive children in the same light as their birth children. It was wrong of me, it is not my job to educate them. You see, I have a family like this and all those things I was wanting to say to my family came spilling out. To this day I feel bad about it.
Speaking of my family, they once mentioned how my husband and I made poor Asian investments. Ouch! They spent about the same amount of cash on a car that parks itself as we did on the adoption. I wonder, who made the better Asian investment. For pitty sake, we are talking about children, orphans no less, that could have been separated at birth or worse kept until a certain age and sold into slavery. It was financially costly and our “investment” can not be re-sold like a car, but the returns on our investment will carry us throughout our entire lives providing things such as happiness, love, and family…things that are priceless. To think that my own blood relatives could even think, let alone discuss this with other relatives who have adopted, makes be shudder. Especially when the ones who had adopted laugh and go along with it…talk about dysfunction!
I’ll end with a piece I found a long time ago for such as these folks. This guy actually diagnoses people with a disorder. It’s harsh, but there is some truth to it. I would never, every directly give this to someone, it is that harsh. But it’s a good read for someone who might never think of the other side of innocent (or not so innocent) comments. Read it with a grain of salt:
http://thebeaversaredead.blogspot.com/2006/05/wibmaid_09.html
Hi Your post today is so moving… I can empathize with you in many ways. My oldest son (he’s almost fourteen) is an above knee amputee. We deal with comments from everyone, from the general public to our friends and family… sometimes I handle them very well, and every once in a while on a difficult day, I do not. Like you, there are times and people that I feel I can educate, and those that I just know I can’t. Your “poor Asian investment” situation does take the cake . It must have taken amazing self control on your part to get through that. It’s hardest when our own family just doesn’t get it.
Thanks for sharing with us in your post. YOUR girls are all beautiful!
Michele
Okay, I just found your blog today and posted on your jam making, but I HAVE to post on one too. I am also a mother who was blessed to become a mother through the amazing gift of adoption. My two taters are mine…100%. We may not share DNA, but in my husband and my cases that is probably a good thing for the kids, laugh. Since they are my only two kids I’ve never had to deal with comments about my “real” kids versus my “adopted” kids. However I have had to deal with plenty of other doozies and most of the worst ones have sadly come from friends and family (as unless I choose to share it, the average joe would never guess they weren’t “mine”).
Like you, I try to either ignore it then smile and wave or just use the “We are the blessed/lucky/fortunate ones”. However I have occasionally gotten ugly, especially when the source is someone close to me.
Bottom line for me, is my family is exactly what it is meant to be. Anyone who doesn’t like it can bite me. Laugh.